A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.
The Test Summer is once again upon us. Cricket lovers everywhere are chomping at the bit to see the first ball thunder down onto a green Gabba deck, whilst anyone who has no idea what the first part of this sentence means is preparing themselves for another few months of feigning interest and nodding absently whenever the word ‘cricket’ is mentioned. Luckily for them, this will also include about six weeks of that other type of cricket where people wear coloured clothing and speak in rapid fire acronyms, LBW, OMG, FTW, ICC, BBL and so forth, so their necks will get a lot of exercise.
Whether you know everything about cricket or absolutely nothing at all, one thing is for certain, there is simply not enough coverage of the hirsute pursuits of our Australian cricketers. Oft referred to only in the Golden Era of Hair (aka the 1970s, when Dennis Lillee had enough chest hair to cover an entire team), the hair pursuits of our summer time legends seem to have faded into the background along with terry towelling bucket hats, coconut oil as sun protection and stubbies.
Enough of that we say.
Here are our hairiest highlights of the summer ahead…
Mitchell Johnson’s Moustache
When Dennis Lillee moustaches go right. Oh Freddy Mercury would be so proud. The only thing missing from Mitch’s bowling run-up is someone screeching over the loudspeaker ‘Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me!’ as he powers in to terrorise opposition batsmen and reincarnate the hirsute glory of the 70s simultaneously.
One almost expects to hear the batsmen squeaking ‘Galileo!’ through the stump mike as another thunderbolt whizzes past their ear.
Sean Abbott’s Ferret
When Dennis Lillee moustaches go wrong. Or when they don’t even turn up at all, they begin to look like small rodents who have set up camp atop of your upper lip. What was once the menacing snarl of DK Lillie suddenly becomes reminiscent of the trailer for Stuart Little 3.
Daniel Worrall’s Sideburns
Franky… Elvis called. He’d like his sideburns back. Unsure whether this new style has been encouraged by a recent trip to Vegas, or the recent breakage of Worrall’s only mirror, the viewing public have been left perplexed about the motives behind these beardy/hair extensions.
In the words of Bridget Jones (another person who knows little about cricket but a lot about hair and hair removal), ‘I seriously believe you should rethink the length of your sideburns.’
Kane Richardson’s Beard
When we were little we all read the book, Animals in the Beard. It was about a man who had a small farming menagerie living in his beard. This man grew up to be Kane Richardson.
Commentators will spend the summer asking the usual questions as he runs into bowl such as ‘Do you think this next one could be a Yorker?’ and ‘What do you think we’ll see zipping down the pitch next from Richardson? A small bird and a baby koala?’
James Faulkner’s Cowlicks
How does he get it so stiff? And then how does he keep it up for so long? Well that’s one question the spectators are asking when they sit behind Faulkner as he’s fielding at deep midwicket. Jimmy has the sharpest angle of a hair flick we’ve seen since Danny Zucco in Grease.
Just like a T-Bird, Faulkner can be seen to be giving it regular attention after each over, running his fingers backwards and forwards, caressing it with a firm hand to make sure it stays upright.
Doug Bollinger’s Rug
Doug the Rug. We love that Doug decided that he was a folliclely challenged and would prefer to look like a Backstreet Boy instead of Friar Tuck for the next few years. Not only has it meant we can enjoy watching a small well managed ferret parading around on the cricket pitch (Sean Abbott take note) we also don’t have to explain who Friar Tuck is.
Joe Burns’ Shag
Joe, we know. We all know. We know that you have little taxi door ears, and if we’re honest. We are ok with this. Did you know by wearing your hair like a shaggy mop you are not hiding your ears, you’re just simply convincing the Australian public that you are actually a closet Harry Styles fan?
Just do a Gilly, shave the sides, tidy the top and accept that you may have a little more resistance when you’re running into a head wind. You don’t need to look like a member of One Direction, as long as you make runs we’ll love you just as you are.
Chris Green’s Slickback
Whilst this hairdo might be ‘among its people’ at 6:30am on Sunday morning as it walks into Tramp, it is kind of feeling a tad lost as it runs around on the SCG. As the length moves steadily towards man bun territory the only remedy that can be suggested for the pretty boy from New South Wales is a move south to Melbourne; the national capital of Hipsters, Man Buns & Skinny Jeans.
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
Clint McKay’s Homeless Man Beard & ‘Do
Not to be outdone by Richardson, McKay has taken his grooming (or lack thereof) to new levels. In an inspired attempt to be noticed by National Selectors, it appears that Squid has taken a leaf out of the Wild Man of Borneo’s grooming books and decided to throw the shears out with the shaving water. Or perhaps he did just forget to shave after growing a layer of body hair to keep warm during his recent English county season with Leicestershire. Understandable in a country where three days over 23 degrees constitutes a heatwave.
Dom Michael’s Fro
It seems that even at the age of 28, Dom’s Mum is still employing that age old wisdom of mother’s everywhere… “I bought it big so you could grow into it!’ (I never did grow into my school blazer, fifteen years later and it still swims on me – thanks Mum).
So Dom’s helmet is still a tad big for him, but ingeniously he’s grown his hair out so it fits snugly on his noggin. Either that or as previously noted, curls get the girls and he secretly wishes he was Bruno Mars.
(One look at that picture and we become suddenly busy singing Let it Fro, Let it Frooooo. Yes, he’s now the cricketing man’s Elsa)
Brett Lee’s Fringe
Although he has only recently moved into the official world of show business – (unIndian – given half a star by the majority of all movie reviewers) – it is safe to conclude that Binga’s fringe has been starring as an extra for Cameron Diaz’s fringe in There’s Something About Mary for the last seventeen years.
Come rain, hail, shine, batting helmets or the Channel 9 Hair and Make Up team, nothing short of a brick on his head will take the stiffness out of his fringe. Second only to the Leaning Tower of Pisa in the global competition for ‘keeping it up for longer than we all expected’.
In the word’s of Richie, have a marvellous summer.