A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.
Having sex in a car – it seems easy enough in the movies. Rizzo and Kenickie had it figured out with their 25 cent insurance policy in Grease, eternal bridesmaid Jane used her electric boobs to charm bridal reporter Kevin in 27 Dresses even though she ‘never does this’ and who could forget Jack and Rose in Titanic, who trumped everyone by having sex in a car, on a boat, halfway across the Atlantic and immortalizing it with one single, foggy, handprint?
Statistics show that over 80% of people have had sex in a car at one point or other. In the age of sky-rocketing house prizes, adult children living in the family home longer and an unfortunate lack of panel vans on the market, having sex in a car is as popular and as pertinent as ever. There may be some of you scratching your heads thinking why would you even bother? Beyond the logistics of being a grown adult living in the family home, there is a veritable smorgasbord of reasons as to why many people decide to go parking…
You can’t wait until you get home
You don’t want to take them home
You live at home with your parents and explaining this would take longer than actually doing this
You’ve always wanted to have sex in a car
At this current moment of intoxication you truly believe you are Jack and Rose, even though you are 300km inland
There’s no possible way you can explain this* to your housemates. And you don’t want to.
*(this being the person who looks attractive after 10 beers but will definitely be inexplicable once sober)
If it was good enough for Meatloaf by the dashboard light, it’s good enough for you too
You are actually driving a panel van
It seems like a good idea at the time
The list goes on…
Suffice to say, for as long as humans have driven cars, they have found reasons, excuses or opportunities to fornicate in them. Whilst art often imitates life, there are a few things you should probably remember before you decide to stage your own reenactment of the going down of the Titanic…
Small Car Syndrome
If either of you are over 5’5 and in a small car there are a few handy hints you might consider. Particularly if you don’t fancy explaining to Windscreens O’Brien exactly how you put a foot through the windscreen. From the inside.
Seats: Consider putting the front seats down so they lay on the backseats and watch your car go from compact Honda Jazz to luxury Queen Size bed with wheels. Who knew?!
Windows: Winding down the windows not only prevents things from fogging up, it also increases the space exponentially and gives a new meaning to ‘legs in the air’. Just be wary of where you throw your clothes… Passing traffic has been known to ask ‘Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a 36EE flying across our windscreen?’
Positions: Use your imagination. Travelling to the colonies of Africa to save the dying children is an admirable life goal, but a small car is not exactly the place for that kind of missionary. Or any other type.
The Driver’s Seat
You may think in this situation that you would like to be ‘in the driver’s seat’… but if you want to avoid your ass playing ‘dixie’ or waking an entire neighbourhood because your car is currently honking like a flock of geese during mating season, you may wish to reconsider.
For the unimaginative amongst us, having sex in a car is limited to just that. Having sex IN the car. Little do they realise that the notion is not limited to the interior, and for those with enough imagination to think outside the box/car, there is an entire car exterior that works just as well.
A word to the wise, it is advisable that you do remove any incriminating hand marks amongst the dust on your bonnet, lest you have to explain exactly how that got there next time your father decides to clean the front of your car and asks ‘How did you get those hand marks on the bonnet… on opposite sides of the car?’
Sex On the Radio
Good Charlotte aren’t the only ones trying to get us in the mood with their song Sex on the Radio – for decades everyone from Hot Chocolate to the Scissor Sisters has pedaled the pick-up line that heaven’s in the back seat of the Cadillac, and they can’t wait to take you there. Although the reality may be more along the lines of a 1998 Holden Commodore with a rust spot on the roof, it always pays to turn the ignition on if you’re hoping to play some mood music, because now is not the time for a flat battery, or flat anything else for that matter.
Location, Location, Location
Real Estate Agents are on the money when they say this. Unless you want a crowd, social media immortality or to see your ass on the 6pm Sunday Night news… 1am on Sunday morning on Chapel St, Prahran is not the ideal location for sex in a car.
Always make sure you are on a relatively quiet and secluded sidestreet with lots of trees, by the beach, in the laneway behind your house, in parking lots of parks and supermarkets which are well lit (because knowing where you are and safety are still important) but anonymous enough that no one will notice that the car with the foggy windows seems to be moving backwards and forwards. And always look for a level road or area – parking on a hill can lead to going down quickly, and not in the way you were expecting.
You might have thrown it in the backseat as an afterthought three weeks ago, but making out next to your leftover Maccas from last month is a mood killer. Very rarely does anyone want ‘fries with that’. Ditto sweaty gym towels, footy boots, five pairs of heels, dogs toys, hairbrushes, half eaten toast and Buzz Lightyear.
It might put the skids on the first three minutes of proceedings to do a general clearing of the space, but it will ensure that in the end you do reach infinity, and beyond.
You know how everyone says you should do yoga because it’s so good for you, and so you do but two years down the track the only benefit you’ve seen from it is knowing which direction the sun rises in nowadays? Well good news, it turns out the flexibility and dexterity afforded to your limbs from yoga is certainly appreciated when you’re having sex in a Suzuki Swift. Now there’s a little wellness factoid Michelle Bridges never mentions on The Biggest Loser…
Jack and Rose
Who hasn’t wanted to emulate that infamous hand scene at least once in their life? For this to happen, it is essential to make sure you keep all the windows up and keep it warmer in the car than it is outside the car. The boat part however, is optional.
Much like the bonnet… best to clean your windows the next day, unless you’re actually looking forward to explaining to your grandmother how exactly you got that long streaky hand mark on the passenger side window as you drive her to her Chiropractor’s appointment on Tuesday morning…
There is only really one simple rule about this. Yes, it is long. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it does vibrate and yes, the more you caress it backwards and forwards the faster it goes. Just make sure you ride the right one.