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A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.

Writing an Essay for Uni

The first essential step to writing an essay is to sit down and read the topic. After this, put the piece of paper away and forget about writing anything until there is less than 48 hours until it is due.

48 hours until deadline

Now is the time to find the piece of paper with the topics on it again. This may take a while, so to prepare yourself, take a nap.

46 hours until deadline

Begin your search for the piece of paper with the topics on it. Under the piles of paper on your desk, in the back of your notebook, in your uni bag, oh is that last Monday’s paper? You better just catch up on that news while you’re searching.

45 hours until deadline

Take a 15 minute brain break, as you will be exhausted from all of this searching.

44 hours and 45 minutes until deadline

Give up searching for the piece of paper and log on to your university portal and find the topics listed on the subject webpage instead.

44 hours and 30 minutes until deadline

Open a new word document and type the topic at the top of the page. Then go to the toilet and outside to say hello to the dog. Pick up an apple to eat while you’re at it, after all, you need your brain food.

Writing an Essay Apple for Brain Food

43 hours until deadline

Sit down and start writing your introduction, make sure you spend at least 15 minutes looking at your readings to find the perfect opening sentence. At the same time, start writing a conclusion.

42 hours until deadline

Now that you’ve been writing for nearly an hour. It is important to take a break. Go and watch a movie. A nice short one, like Lord of the Rings – Return of the King.

38 hours until deadline

Have a quick look at your essay. Now that you’ve done a good day’s work and there is a solid introduction and 157 words on the page it’s best you go to sleep. Sleeping on it always helps.

The 5 Minute Guide Alarm Clock

32 hours until deadline

Roll over and look at the clock. 7am is much too early to be writing anything. Best you rest for another few hours; you are never good at writing in the morning anyway. And you have to let the ideas simmer in your head.

29 hours until deadline

Up and out of bed, your first task for the day is to clean your desk. There is 4 weeks’ worth of washing, unopened envelopes and bank statements that need to be sorted, opened and filed. Before you can even start to think about typing, you’ll need to clean the entire thing. Make sure you polish it with Mr. Sheen once you’re done. This is essential.

27 hours until deadline

Aha! You’ve just found the piece of paper with the topics on it. Contemplate changing the topic to no 7 on the list, because it does look a bit easier. Decide you’ll think about it, while you keep cleaning your desk.

26 hours until deadline

Now your desk is clean and you’ve decided on a new topic, you can sit down, change the introduction slightly and get working on the first paragraph. Actually, before you do that, it’s time to shell some pistachios. Make sure you take about 200. This is essential brain food after all.

24 hours until deadline

Essay is belting along at 344 words. Oh, what’s that? You’ve just noticed that your toenails and fingernails need trimming?  It is imperative that is done now.

23 hours and 45 minutes until deadline

Back to writing and on a roll. The guts of the essay are really taking shape! Now is the time to write an essay plan to make sure the plan matches the words you’ve already got on the page.

23 hours until deadline

After writing for almost an hour, you’ll need to check your Facebook, Instagram and Email accounts. Without checking these the next paragraph of your essay will not happen.

22 hours and 45 minutes until deadline

Time to set a Facebook status about the fact your essay is due in 22 hours and you’ve still got 1950 words to write! Sharing it with Facebook friends will definitely help. While you’re there, facestalk three people you went to Primary School with for half an hour.

22 hours until deadline

Back to writing the essay. Time to start ripping quotes from the readings and get that second paragraph taking shape.

21 hours and 15 minutes until deadline

You’ve been at this essay writing for a while. Take a well-earned break and check your Facebook. It has been 45 minutes since you last did. While you’re there, update your profile and check on that kid you went to high school with, isn’t he a dental surgeon now?

21 hours until deadline

Time to proofread what you’ve written. Decide you actually don’t like anything in the first paragraph you wrote, better delete it and start that bit again.

20 hours and 30 minutes until deadline

At this point in time you will need to go and bake a cake. From scratch. Oh and you’ll need to go to the supermarket to buy eggs while you’re at it.

18 hours until deadline

Cake baked and tasting delicious! Back to writing, the essay is coming together; you’ve got 467 words on the page. Probably should spend some time on YouTube catching up on X Factor videos from 2008 to give your brain a break.

17 hours until deadline

Writing has come to a grinding halt. Time to open the bottle of Baileys and take a big swig. A little bit of Irish Liqueur always helps get the brain cells moving.

16 hours until deadline

Your eyeballs are hanging out of your head. You’ve got 723 words on the page. Surely that is enough? Why oh why did you ever decide to go to university? Drag yourself off to bed and try not to beat yourself up over the ridiculous tasks they set at uni, like making essays due on a Friday afternoon. Unbelievable.

11 hours until deadline

Drag yourself back out of bed and straight to the computer chair. Check Facebook, check Instagram, reply to your 7 messages and read your 13 new emails, then go and have breakfast.

The 5 Minute Guide to Writing an Essay ECard

10 hours until deadline

Open up your essay and take another look at it. Do a quick read through. Now go and say hello to the dog.

8 hours until deadline

Mum’s just asked you to do the dishes. Make sure you yell at her and stomp around sufficiently, explaining that you have an essay due in 8 hours and you simply ‘DO NOT HAVE TIME’ to do ridiculous things such as the dishes. Return to your room and check Facebook before looking at your essay again.

6 hours and 30 minutes to go

Essay is flying along. You’ve hit the 1000 word mark! Only 1400 words to go. Time to take a well-earned break. Go and cook yourself some scrambled eggs on toast. And set a Facebook status about your recent spate of essay inspiration. Go you!

6 hours to go

Post photo to Instagram of your scrambled eggs.

The 5 Minute Guide Writing an Essay for Uni Scrambled Eggs

5 hours until deadline

Things are starting to get pretty hectic. Better text your friend from class to see how she is going. Have a 20 minute text conversation lamenting the state of your essays and groaning about how ridiculous the tutor is. Once this is done, continue writing.

4 hours and 15 minutes until deadline

Toilet break. Apple break. Better say hello to the dog. Wait a second; he looks like he needs a brush. Might as well do that while you are there as well.

4 hours until deadline

Those dishes are still on the sink. Better actually do them now.

3 hours and 30 minutes until deadline

Typing furiously. The words are just coming to you now. Keep going! On a massive roll! Better update Facebook status and let everyone know it’s coming together. Finally!

2 hours and 15 minutes until deadline

Definitely the time for some more pistachios. Go and find the packet and finish shelling and eating the last 90 odd.

1 hour until deadline

OMG! Set a Facebook status to tell everyone that you’ve still got 400 words to go and less than an hour to write them! Shared panic will absolutely inspire you to the finish line! Then get back to writing.

45 minutes until deadline

Better check Facebook and see how many other people totally understand what you’re going through with this essay. And reply to all of their comments.

32 minutes until deadline

Now is the time to reread your introduction and make sure your essay makes sense.

31 minutes until deadline

Who are you kidding? You’ve been staring at those sentences for the last 48 hours; you’ve got no idea if they make sense anymore or not! Ring your best mate and read the introduction to him over the phone to check you are on the right track.

23 minutes until deadline

Finish off the last paragraph and making sure the conclusion actually remotely relates to everything else you’ve written in the essay. Take another swig of Bailey’s to help you through.

11 minutes until deadline

Start typing the bibliography. You kept a record of the readings and references you used, right?

9 minutes until deadline

Shit. Start making up the bibliography and copying it from the resources list in the subject reader.

4 minutes until deadline

Insert page numbers.

3 minutes until deadline

Log onto the university portal.

1 minute and 30 seconds until deadline

LOAD DAMMIT!

45 seconds until deadline

Upload and submit essay via the university portal.

1 minute after submission

Log onto Facebook and post a status celebrating the fact you FINALLY finished the essay. Jump onto Instagram and post a TGIF photo. Go and find yourself a big piece of that chocolate cake to celebrate, by golly you’ve earned it!

The 5 Minute Guide to Writing an Essay FB

5 minutes after submission

Shit. Did you put your name on it?!

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7 comments on “Writing an Essay for Uni

  1. Ridz
    October 28, 2013

    This is the most accurate thing in the world.
    My essay is due on Monday, probably will not be starting it until Friday night.

  2. Jason Best
    October 28, 2013

    Wrote a 2,200 word take-home exam on Sunday…this is pretty much how it went.

  3. Carla Schodde
    October 28, 2013

    So, so, so true. When I was in first year I hoped this would stop happening by the time I was in Honours year… it didn’t…

    • thefiveminuteguide
      October 28, 2013

      We’ve collectively spent 12 years at uni so we understand, neither if us ever really progressed from this either! 😉

  4. TheHangerBay
    October 30, 2013

    Me. Right now. Ironic procrastination at it’s finest.

  5. Pingback: December 2014: Lenore Smith - Humanities 21 - Let's put humanities back on the agenda

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This entry was posted on October 28, 2014 by in Events, Life, Reader's Favourites and tagged , , , , , , , , , .

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