A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.
The first essential step to writing an essay is to sit down and read the topic. After this, put the piece of paper away and forget about writing anything until there is less than 48 hours until it is due.
48 hours until deadline
Now is the time to find the piece of paper with the topics on it again. This may take a while, so to prepare yourself, take a nap.
46 hours until deadline
Begin your search for the piece of paper with the topics on it. Under the piles of paper on your desk, in the back of your notebook, in your uni bag, oh is that last Monday’s paper? You better just catch up on that news while you’re searching.
45 hours until deadline
Take a 15 minute brain break, as you will be exhausted from all of this searching.
44 hours and 45 minutes until deadline
Give up searching for the piece of paper and log on to your university portal and find the topics listed on the subject webpage instead.
44 hours and 30 minutes until deadline
Open a new word document and type the topic at the top of the page. Then go to the toilet and outside to say hello to the dog. Pick up an apple to eat while you’re at it, after all, you need your brain food.
43 hours until deadline
Sit down and start writing your introduction, make sure you spend at least 15 minutes looking at your readings to find the perfect opening sentence. At the same time, start writing a conclusion.
42 hours until deadline
Now that you’ve been writing for nearly an hour. It is important to take a break. Go and watch a movie. A nice short one, like Lord of the Rings – Return of the King.
38 hours until deadline
Have a quick look at your essay. Now that you’ve done a good day’s work and there is a solid introduction and 157 words on the page it’s best you go to sleep. Sleeping on it always helps.
32 hours until deadline
Roll over and look at the clock. 7am is much too early to be writing anything. Best you rest for another few hours; you are never good at writing in the morning anyway. And you have to let the ideas simmer in your head.
29 hours until deadline
Up and out of bed, your first task for the day is to clean your desk. There is 4 weeks’ worth of washing, unopened envelopes and bank statements that need to be sorted, opened and filed. Before you can even start to think about typing, you’ll need to clean the entire thing. Make sure you polish it with Mr. Sheen once you’re done. This is essential.
27 hours until deadline
Aha! You’ve just found the piece of paper with the topics on it. Contemplate changing the topic to no 7 on the list, because it does look a bit easier. Decide you’ll think about it, while you keep cleaning your desk.
26 hours until deadline
Now your desk is clean and you’ve decided on a new topic, you can sit down, change the introduction slightly and get working on the first paragraph. Actually, before you do that, it’s time to shell some pistachios. Make sure you take about 200. This is essential brain food after all.
24 hours until deadline
Essay is belting along at 344 words. Oh, what’s that? You’ve just noticed that your toenails and fingernails need trimming? It is imperative that is done now.
23 hours and 45 minutes until deadline
Back to writing and on a roll. The guts of the essay are really taking shape! Now is the time to write an essay plan to make sure the plan matches the words you’ve already got on the page.
23 hours until deadline
22 hours and 45 minutes until deadline
Time to set a Facebook status about the fact your essay is due in 22 hours and you’ve still got 1950 words to write! Sharing it with Facebook friends will definitely help. While you’re there, facestalk three people you went to Primary School with for half an hour.
22 hours until deadline
Back to writing the essay. Time to start ripping quotes from the readings and get that second paragraph taking shape.
21 hours and 15 minutes until deadline
You’ve been at this essay writing for a while. Take a well-earned break and check your Facebook. It has been 45 minutes since you last did. While you’re there, update your profile and check on that kid you went to high school with, isn’t he a dental surgeon now?
21 hours until deadline
Time to proofread what you’ve written. Decide you actually don’t like anything in the first paragraph you wrote, better delete it and start that bit again.
20 hours and 30 minutes until deadline
At this point in time you will need to go and bake a cake. From scratch. Oh and you’ll need to go to the supermarket to buy eggs while you’re at it.
18 hours until deadline
Cake baked and tasting delicious! Back to writing, the essay is coming together; you’ve got 467 words on the page. Probably should spend some time on YouTube catching up on X Factor videos from 2008 to give your brain a break.
17 hours until deadline
Writing has come to a grinding halt. Time to open the bottle of Baileys and take a big swig. A little bit of Irish Liqueur always helps get the brain cells moving.
16 hours until deadline
Your eyeballs are hanging out of your head. You’ve got 723 words on the page. Surely that is enough? Why oh why did you ever decide to go to university? Drag yourself off to bed and try not to beat yourself up over the ridiculous tasks they set at uni, like making essays due on a Friday afternoon. Unbelievable.
11 hours until deadline
Drag yourself back out of bed and straight to the computer chair. Check Facebook, check Instagram, reply to your 7 messages and read your 13 new emails, then go and have breakfast.
10 hours until deadline
Open up your essay and take another look at it. Do a quick read through. Now go and say hello to the dog.
8 hours until deadline
Mum’s just asked you to do the dishes. Make sure you yell at her and stomp around sufficiently, explaining that you have an essay due in 8 hours and you simply ‘DO NOT HAVE TIME’ to do ridiculous things such as the dishes. Return to your room and check Facebook before looking at your essay again.
6 hours and 30 minutes to go
Essay is flying along. You’ve hit the 1000 word mark! Only 1400 words to go. Time to take a well-earned break. Go and cook yourself some scrambled eggs on toast. And set a Facebook status about your recent spate of essay inspiration. Go you!
6 hours to go
Post photo to Instagram of your scrambled eggs.
5 hours until deadline
Things are starting to get pretty hectic. Better text your friend from class to see how she is going. Have a 20 minute text conversation lamenting the state of your essays and groaning about how ridiculous the tutor is. Once this is done, continue writing.
4 hours and 15 minutes until deadline
Toilet break. Apple break. Better say hello to the dog. Wait a second; he looks like he needs a brush. Might as well do that while you are there as well.
4 hours until deadline
Those dishes are still on the sink. Better actually do them now.
3 hours and 30 minutes until deadline
Typing furiously. The words are just coming to you now. Keep going! On a massive roll! Better update Facebook status and let everyone know it’s coming together. Finally!
2 hours and 15 minutes until deadline
Definitely the time for some more pistachios. Go and find the packet and finish shelling and eating the last 90 odd.
1 hour until deadline
OMG! Set a Facebook status to tell everyone that you’ve still got 400 words to go and less than an hour to write them! Shared panic will absolutely inspire you to the finish line! Then get back to writing.
45 minutes until deadline
Better check Facebook and see how many other people totally understand what you’re going through with this essay. And reply to all of their comments.
32 minutes until deadline
Now is the time to reread your introduction and make sure your essay makes sense.
31 minutes until deadline
Who are you kidding? You’ve been staring at those sentences for the last 48 hours; you’ve got no idea if they make sense anymore or not! Ring your best mate and read the introduction to him over the phone to check you are on the right track.
23 minutes until deadline
Finish off the last paragraph and making sure the conclusion actually remotely relates to everything else you’ve written in the essay. Take another swig of Bailey’s to help you through.
11 minutes until deadline
Start typing the bibliography. You kept a record of the readings and references you used, right?
9 minutes until deadline
Shit. Start making up the bibliography and copying it from the resources list in the subject reader.
4 minutes until deadline
Insert page numbers.
3 minutes until deadline
Log onto the university portal.
1 minute and 30 seconds until deadline
45 seconds until deadline
Upload and submit essay via the university portal.
1 minute after submission
Log onto Facebook and post a status celebrating the fact you FINALLY finished the essay. Jump onto Instagram and post a TGIF photo. Go and find yourself a big piece of that chocolate cake to celebrate, by golly you’ve earned it!
5 minutes after submission
Shit. Did you put your name on it?!