A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.
We were lucky enough to get a hold of a media guide to current AFL players which we are happy to share.
“Players, it is important to be aware of the ensuing media contingent that will be at training and around the club in the next few months. Here are some things that may help dealing with them in interviews and the like.
Be as uninteresting as you can. Whatever you want to say, re-mould it into a cliche that you have heard in the past and offer no insight or personality to any interview.
When talking about the club, always use words like “we”, “the boys”, “Yeah, na”, Yeah, look” and “Obviously”.
Always defer attention from yourself and mention your teammates and coaches. There is no room for any flair or answering the question openly and honestly when a footy cliche can be inserted.”
Textbook First Year Player Interview
Reporter: What can we expect this summer?
Player: Obviously, I can’t wait to get back on the track and I will be putting my best foot forward.
Reporter: How is your pre-season shaping up?
Player: Obviously, I just can’t wait to meet my coaches and earn the respect of my teammates.
Reporter: What does it mean to be playing for Melbourne FC?
Player: Yeah, na, I’m honoured to be at a club with a rich history and many great players to learn from.
Reporter: Anything specific you will be concentrating on during training?
Player: Obviously, I really need to work on my defensive game. That will be a focus for me.
Best foot forward – “Ill do the first 9 sprints at my pace and the last 1 very quickly.”
Can’t wait to get onto the track – “I don’t want to be doing 3kms and 1km time trials during my summer break, who does?”
Earn respect of my teammates – “I was the best player at my junior club and the best player in the draft, even my Dad said so. I’ll be respected regardless”
Can’t wait to meet my coaches – “If I want a game I better say I really like my coach so…..” No one is ever thrilled to meet their new coach, most coaches are fearsome beings who strive for perfection.
I really need to work on my defensive game – “If I can sneak forward and kick a few, I will. No one gets on TV for putting on a shepherd, I always see Stevie J stealing the show on there.”
I’m honoured to be at a club with a rich history and many great players to learn from – “So, I am at Melbourne but this seems like a good thing to say.”
Textbook Assistant Coach Pre-Game Interview
Reporter: How is Smithy coming along?
Assistant Coach: He’s not training with the main group but he is progressing well.
Reporter: Tommo had a great season last year, how do you rate him?
Assistant Coach: He has moved into the elite category.
Reporter: Macca has just been drafted, what will be his role going forward?
Assistant Coach: We need to build his tank.
Reporter: You play the reigning premiers in Round 2, there should be 90,000 people at the G for it, how do you prepare your players for that game?
Assistant Coach: We will be just taking it one game at a time.
Reporter: You are playing an expansion club with 18 rookies and an average losing margin of 88 points in Round 1…
Assistant Coach: We will just be happy to get the 4 points.
He’s not training with the main group but he is progressing well – “Things have gone poorly so we don’t expect much from this player any time soon.”
He has moved into the elite category – We only have a few overused adjectives for players so let’s create a new one to go with Champion, Superstar, Legend, Gun, A-Grade etc…
We need to build his tank – “He looks like Darren Jarman and moves like Harry Madden at the moment.”
We will be taking it one game at a time – ‘We don’t have a hope in hell of winning that game. We’re just trying to figure out how to help our players recover from the season long mental scarring they are going to receive from that impending belting’
A Few More Textbook Interview Responses Explained…
Sweeper/Quarterback – Loose man in defence. A sweeper in soccer sits in front of a goal keeper as a final line of defence. A Quarterback throws passes to receivers and hands the ball off the his backs when he doesn’t run with the ball. Sound anything like what an AFL player might do?
On the outside of his boot – If a player kicks the ball with the outside of his boot it would go sideways. The ball is rotated and a different part of the ball hits the “middle” of the foot every time.
They are a proud club – They have come off a few horrendous losses and need to show something.
Lower the eyes – No eyes were hurt in this article, “Kicks short to a leading player”.
Foot Candy – Foot candy would smell and be hard to sell right?
The head is sacrosanct – No one knew what this word meant until Adrian Anderson uttered it one afternoon at a standard presser. Now it is more common than metro trains being on time.
They pride themselves on….. – There is a great chance that whatever they are supposed to be priding themselves on that they actually don’t pride themselves on that at all.
The Footy Gods – No not Barassi or Skilton, apparently someone else who decides if a goal should be kicked after a dodgy free kick.