A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.
The entire compendium of romantic comedies, 200 years of English literature and the agony aunt column from Cosmo would have you believe that we are in a constant marathon to find our one true love. Perhaps we are, perhaps we’re not, but regardless of the answer to that evolutionary chestnut, it is a truth universally acknowledged that we do spend an inordinate amount of time ‘in search of the one’.
As David Attenborough might say, ‘the female of the species spends a good amount of time talking about, thinking about, hunting down and acting in the pursuit of love, or something that comes in a 6’4 tanned and muscular package that could be love, or at least a very good distraction come Friday night. Whilst her male counterparts spend their formative years ‘sewing wild oats’ and exercising their genetic disposition to sleep with everything that moves, but in the back of their minds still have their eye on the prize, often picking out girls they think will be ‘the one’, but not just quite yet’.
Which is why, it is nothing short of ironic, that whilst members of both sexes are in keen pursuit of love and heavily embroiled in ‘the games we play’, many of them are actually already in love but just don’t notice it. For a very long time. It seems our ‘love vibes’ tend to be confused by a raft of other vibes; from our mobile phones, our V8 utes, Whatsapp, Instagram, Blendr, Grindr, vibrators and those funny little cellulite burning vibrating machines they sell on Danoz Direct.
Short of being struck like a literal bolt of lightning (and let’s be honest, the hairdo created by that natural phenomenon is not exactly conducive to attracting the one you love, (but don’t yet realize you love), we just don’t notice that our hearts have already given themselves away, or occasionally even worse, we don’t trust where they have given themselves. Fact of the matter is, whether it’s ignorance, choice or an innocent disregard, if you’re in love it’s time to notice it.
Here’s a little checklist to help you realize if you are actually in love.
Telltale signs you are in love
Information Absorbitis: When someone asks for random details about the one you love (but don’t realize you love yet) such as date of birth, town of birth, mother and father’s names, address, university attended, preferred perfume, shoe size, favourite colour, favourite food, allergies or how many wickets they took last season, and you know the answer. Instantaneously. Or when you’re having lunch together and you see their meal has come out with beetroot and you lean over and take it without even asking because you know they don’t like it. Or when everyone you know asks you what the one you love means by this or wants for that or prefers for this and you answer, because you know them better than nearly everyone else.
Name Obsession: When you say the name of the person you love (but don’t realize it yet) more than you say your own name. On a daily basis.
The Love Songs Make Sense: When you find yourself listening to Miss Murphy and instead of just humming along, you’re driving along, dancing around, walking about singing the lyrics with intent and meaning whilst the one you love (but don’t realize it yet) keeps wandering into your thoughts. Go on, have a listen…
The Awkward Turtle: When you go out to social events, family functions and hockey matches and people assume you are together, or when you run into people you haven’t seen for a while and they ask where the one you love (but you haven’t realized it yet) is because ‘aren’t you together?’
The Two Weeks Notice Syndrome: Popularised by the king of romantic comedy, the foppish Hugh Grant, in the movie Two Weeks Notice is the fact that the one that you love (but don’t realize you love yet) has become the voice inside your head. When you go to post a tweet on Twitter, post a photo on Instagram, write a letter to your Nana, buy a new pair of Nikes or you reach for the Frosty Flakes instead of the Weet-bix, you hear their voice in your head, challenging you, questioning you, encouraging you to do better, to be better. And you listen to them.
Quarantine Alert: When for some inexplicable reason you decide to enforce stricter quarantine laws than Australian Border Security on the one you love (but don’t realize you love) and you double think when you go to message them. Or ring them. Or email them. Or visit them. And then you decide you might wait a day or two before you message them, or you start reeling in how many times a week you contact them or decide you might not speak to them at all while you go away on holidays. Double think about this: if you were actually just friends, you wouldn’t double think any of this, would you?
Absentmindedness: When you talk to the one you love (but don’t realize it yet) and they ask a perfectly normal question and then your brain falls out and you decide to answer with information about The Seekers Tour of Australia in 1994, draw a sweeping narrative that segues into Glen Ridge’s hosting career on Sale of the Century and Shane Warne’s mastery with ‘The Gatting Ball’ before finally stopping at the fact you ate pork for dinner last night but it might have been a bit overcooked. And all they asked was, ‘So, how are you?’
Circulitius: A complication that occurs in long term sufferers of absentmindedness. This is when the one you love (but don’t realize you love yet) asks you a question that might possibly allude to a discussion about the pair of you, and in response you talk about everything else but that. Instead you launch into a succinct and detailed summary upon the health benefits of eating quinoa, the kicking arc of Buddy Franklin, the crumbling economy of Greece, how many weights you lifted yesterday in the gym, the pain you’re having in your left ankle and Miley Cyrus’ most recent daring performance at a Music Awards Festival.
Take note: A. You are a moron. B. You are in love with them.
Thanks to Dr Google, you can now pass off the common ailment of love as everything from stress induced gallstones and indigestion to constipation and dehydration resulting in a migraine. You can take pills and apply creams and hot water bottles and eat copious amounts of chocolate and drink gallons of beer in an attempt to fix these ailments but you may notice that they keep reoccurring… This is because all you’re really suffering from is a serious case of denial and a very bad case of amouritis.
Beaming like a Lighthousitis: This generally occurs when you are speaking about the person you love (but don’t yet realize you love). Your smile is wider than your face and your face hurts because you’re smiling so hard, your eyes light up, your arms are going at a million miles an hour and you just beam. A bit like Elle Macpherson’s headlights on the cover of Sports illustrated Yep. You beam THAT much.
Heater Anxiety: When the one you love (but don’t realize you love yet) walks into the room, starts talking to you, stands next to you, gives you a hug or a wave and it suddenly feels like you’ve been teleported to the Bahamas. When did it get so hot in here? Did someone just turn the heater up?
Lime Green Disease: This isn’t a nasty infection transferred by a tick that’s crawled under your skin, it’s the reaction you have when you hear about other people the person you’re in love with (but don’t realize you love) is dating, took to a ball, spent the weekend with, hooked up with or hangs out with all of the time. Symptoms include that stabbing pain in your back (right behind your heart), the sudden headache and tightness in your neck, feeling lightheaded, needing to lie down, loss of appetite, feeling nauseated, chest tightness, severe indigestion and an inexplicable need to cry. Don’t bother doing a Robert Palmer and going to the Doctor, because all he will tell you is that you’ve ‘gotta a bad case of loving you.’
The Top Gun Fever: Not to be confused with bronchitis or the soundtrack from Top Gun, (although believe me, you are on the Highway to the Love Dangerzone), this occurs when you see the one you love (but still don’t yet realize you love) walking towards you in their work suit, or their tradie shorts, or a floaty summer dress, or their football uniform, or when they lift their shirt up, or take their cardigan off, or sweep their hair from their face and suddenly you feel a little gasp of air escape your lips. They literally take your breath away. All at once you’re not breathing, and your mouth is open like a codfish and you’re blinking… wide eyed and blinking rapidly. You do not have a bronchial infection, you are not having a heart attack and no, as much as you’d like to think you are, you are not having an allergic reaction to fresh air.
Take note: A. You are not a medical anomaly. B. You are still a moron and C. You are in love with them.
Final telltale sign that you are in love but just haven’t realized it yet.
You have nodded and laughed the entire way through reading this article and you’re now sitting there thinking ‘Pfft, that’s ridiculous, I’m not in love with *insert name here*, I couldn’t possibly be’.
Take note: You are.