thefiveminuteguide.com.au

A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.

Graduate Job Hunting

You’ve finished your degree, you’ve bought a new suit, you’ve shaved off your beardy and you’ve traded in your shoes with Velcro for ones with laces. Adulthood, being a grown up and the utter joy of working for the man stand before you, as brand spanking new adventures waiting to be embarked upon. Now you just need to find someone willing to sell you a ticket to the ride…

The 5 Minute Guide Bob Smith

Handy Hints

  • When applying for a job, having 75% or more of the listed required skills is ideal, unless you’re applying for a job as a bullshit artist, in which case 5% is sufficient
  • Make sure you write the right name of the company and person you are applying to in your cover letter. This isn’t a funny tip. And it certainly isn’t funny if you fuck it up either
  • Contrary to popular belief, packing a rifle does not assist with the hunting
  • NS, ND, GSOH are not things you should list in the Skills & Attributes section of your CV
  • Being able to burp the alphabet, will win you friends in the lunchroom but probably won’t land you that graduate position
  • Pack hand sanitizer, you’re going to be shaking hands with a lot of people; a lot of people whose crotch grabbing frequency habits you are not yet versed in
  • Pack hand wipes, bathroom taps these days, you can never quite trust what they’re going to do next

The 5 Minute Guide Germ Free

Translations

  • ‘You seem to be lacking experience in this area’
     Translation: ‘What the hell have you been doing with your life?!’
  • Male interviewer: ‘Tell me about yourself…’
    Translation: ‘Let’s compare dick sizes, if yours is bigger than mine, we’re going to have a problem’
  • Female interviewer: ‘Tell me about yourself…’
    Translation: ‘Are you single and would you tap this?’
  • ‘What kind of salary are you looking for’
    Translation: ‘How ballsy and driven are you’
  • Explain how what you did at uni would help you with this position’
    Translation: ‘Did you attend any classes in the last five years?’
  • ‘What do you like to do in your spare time’
    Translation: ‘Are you a raging alcoholic, nymphomaniac, gambler, dendrophiliac or ice addict?’
  • ‘What are you looking for in a workplace?’
    Translation: ‘We’ve got a crap HR department and we’re looking for ideas’
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