A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.
So, you’ve done the hard yards, staked out the usual haunts (Eve, CQ, Hotel Barkly) and snagged yourself a footballer. Congratulations. Now the hard work of being a football WAG has begun. Here are some handy tips to keep you off the bench and far away from that highly unfashionable red substitute jacket.
Adopt the WAG Uniform
Skinny jeans, high heeled ankle boots, cream or caramel brown leather or suede jackets with a lambswool or faux fur collar, cream scarf and cream beanie or beret.
Start filling your wardrobe with cream coloured clothing. Turtlenecks, scarves, coats, beanies and jeans.
Large sunglasses that make you look like a fly are also uber essentials. Buy three pairs and always keep a pair handy for going to the supermarket, the game, your waxing appointment, getting on and off planes, buying milk and so forth.
Having a small dog to carry around is particularly helpful. If you don’t have a small dog, it’s time to invest in one, or at the very least, borrow one for weekends.
WAG Hair is serious business.
You cannot be a WAG without serious long locks. The hair flick is not only essential for initially enticing your footballer, but for keeping him. And any WAG worth her Manolo Blahniks knows that blond locks get all the boys.
This said, if you’re looking for a sensitive deep thinking footballer, brunettes can swing it, provided they look like Megan Gale or the Twig. If you don’t look like either, don’t risk it sweetheart, head for the peroxide bottle.
Become friends with other WAGS
It’s important to develop a group of allies who understand the rigours of being a WAG. Muddy footy boots, hosting day long FIFA sessions with the boys in your lounge room and cooking enough pasta on Friday nights to feed a small African nation are all things the modern WAG must endure. However, gossiping and swapping stories over cocktails with the girls every Thursday evening make these arduous tasks all the more bearable.
Being part of the WAGs is also essential to ensure that you can keep all of the unWAGs at bay. These girls actually know where your man’s team is on the ladder, and how many goals he kicked last week and are clearly out to tempt your man away from you and must be ignored, looked down upon and even occasionally pitied for their single unWAG status. But never befriended. Girls who understand what a 50m penalty is, are not to be trusted.
Season Launch Luncheons, Breast Cancer fundraiser Luncheons, Australia’s Biggest Morning Tea Luncheons, Women’s Round Luncheons, Mother’s Day Luncheons, Father’s Day Luncheons, basically any Luncheon held at Crown, you must be in attendance.
As a WAG, it is essential that you make regular appearances in the social pages of the newspapers, preferably wearing cream, with well-coiffed hair and if possible, standing next to Lillian Frank.
Learn the rules of the game.
Granted this is a bit of a stretch, after all you really just ‘love *insert footballers name here* because he’s such a beautiful and genuine person’ and your attraction to him has nothing to do with the fact that he plays football and gets paid handsomely for it. But at some point in time, (and if he’s any good, this will be most weekends), you’re going to have to attend the game and appear on national television at the game, so it’s always advisable to be seen to be clapping when something good happens. There’s nothing more awkward than you looking thrilled and cheering your man on after he’s just given away two 50m penalties and been reported by the umpire for illegal head high contact.
Finally, consider a career change
It’s fantastic you’ve spent five years at university studying biochemical engineering, however, now that you’re a WAG it’s time to acknowledge that you’ve always secretly harbored a desire to work in the media, especially in that highly coveted position presenting on Postcards.
This will inevitably lead to you discovering you really do have a passion for fashion and horseracing and ensure that you are seen in the Birdcage at Flemington come Spring.
After all, all those late nights studying molecular compounds were really just leading you to realize your destiny actually is to design your own line of bikinis and the read the weekend weather on a commercial network.