A complicated look at uncomplicated topics to ameliorate your day.

Opening a jar

There’s nothing quite like the sound of opening a new glass jar for the first time. That melodious ‘pop’ just before the cap loosens and then the glorious release of whatever tempting aromas lie within the jar are some of our fondest childhood memories. Particularly if it was a jar of nutella. Although initially considered one of the more menial tasks in our day to day lives, there is a surprising amount of tradition and ceremony that we can draw on to ensure that we complete this task effectively, in a timely manner and without rupturing a disc.

The Basics

Take your glass jar in your weaker hand and place your stronger hand firmly on the lid. The main rotation through the hand should occur between the thumb, index and middle fingers (the other two are just there for looks at this point). Squeeze these three fingers tightly and move them in an anti-clockwise direction whilst using the other hand to move the jar in a clockwise direction. In an ideal world you will hear that magical ‘pop’ and your lid will screw neatly off your jar. Congratulations.

Right, now we’ve gotten that daydream out of the way, we can focus on what is actually required to remove a lid from a glass jar.

The Constipation Face

So the basics have failed. As simple as it may have seemed, the jar you’re holding appears to be ‘childproof*’ and possibly ‘adultproof’ too. At this point of the opening process, you start to get a little annoyed and decide if you’re going to actually open the jar, you better put your back into it. You adopt the brace position, much like a Sumo Wrestling squat, set your shoulders back, grip your hand tightly on the jar and squeeze. If you haven’t gone red like a tomato and stopped breathing, then you’re not squeezing hard enough. Wait, what’s that? Ok, yep you might just need to take a quick trip to the bathroom. Well done, you were squeezing hard enough after all!

The 5 Minute Guide Opening a Jar Sumo Stance

Once you’ve returned from the bathroom and the constipation face squeeze still hasn’t opened your jar, it is time to bring out reinforcements.

*This is an excellent time to assess whether the jar is actually childproof. The earlier you figure this little chestnut out, the less likely you are to end up taking an eye out.

The Super Glove

The Super Glove is an old housewives trick from back in the day when the man of the house was off earning a crust and she was left at home alone with four screaming children, an unopened jar of pickled onions and about three more ‘No Mummy!’s’ away from reaching for the gin bottle in the pantry. Although we’ve come a long way since those halcyon days, (and everyone now opens their own jars because it was part of the Feminist Decree – Item #435: Thou shalt burn thou bras and thou shalt open thou own jars), there was substantial method in the madness of using a rubber dishwashing glove to help open the lid of a glass jar.

Find your glove and pull it on to your hand tightly. Grip the jar with your uncovered hand and then squeeze and twist the lid with the gloved hand. In an ideal world, the lid pops off. If this doesn’t work instantaneously and you are still grappling for traction, try putting a glove on the other hand that is holding the jar. Once again, repeat the squeeze and twist manouvere. Continue squeezing until the lid pops off, or your give yourself rubber burn. If this occurs, it’s time to move on to the next phase…

The Footloose Stomp

If your lid still hasn’t come off by this stage, be reassured that the only reason you are failing is because you haven’t put all of the steps together. And this is because we haven’t told you all of the steps yet. The final step of opening the lid off a glass jar is dancing around the kitchen, wearing a rubber glove, with your constipation face on, squeezing that lid and stomping the floor. Yes, the Footloose Stomp! In fact, without the stomping the other two steps are basically redundant (but then this post would have been over in a paragraph and where’s the fun in that?).

To complete this step, you must combine the first two steps but then add in a circular dancing manouvere that sees you stomp the floor hard whilst maintaining a sumo position. The higher you get off the ground during your stomp, the harder the stomp. And you will find, that provided you stomp hard enough as you turn about and squeeze and twist that lid, it will finally release. Voila! You have now opened your glass jar!

A word of warning. Be careful opening your jar during the Footloose Stomp lasoo move. As much as we all like pickled onions, no one really wants to be wearing them.

One comment on “Opening a jar

    September 19, 2013


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This entry was posted on September 12, 2013 by in Events, Life and tagged , .

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